2018:06 Drilling Deeper into Integrity

“O Lord, who may [a]abide in Your tent?
Who may dwell on Your holy hill?
He who walks with integrity, and works righteousness,
And speaks truth in his heart.
He does not slander [b]with his tongue,
Nor does evil to his neighbor,
Nor takes up a reproach against his friend;

 

I hate to admit it, but I am one…a yellow bellied coward.  Trying not to stay that way, but it is a struggle.  It’s not the usual type of cowardice, it’s introverted tendency to clam up when it’s time to speak up.  There is a reason behind it, but that doesn’t excuse it.  Most of it is fear from personal history.  It is really a fundamental problem in that my insides don’t match my outside.

If I write, I can say well what I feel, think and respond diplomatically and honestly more often than verbally.  Probably because I am far more articulate with writing than I am in speaking.  Something happens when I go to speak and there is any kind of emotional charge to an issue and my computer gets completely jammed with too many thoughts and feelings at once.  This can lead to an instant adrenaline rush of overwhelm whereby I retreat into my turtle shell.

Like the turtle who pulls in all of her extremities when she detects danger, I become a wall flower, slide down the seat and look out the window, or ignore what I am hearing in hopes that the silence will speak on my behalf in that my lack of response will cause the other to think through their actions more carefully.  Sadly, it often has had the opposite effect, causing them to dial up the insults or seem to take free license to defame, depose or in some other way let loose in a way that is inconsiderate of me.  In my mind this makes no sense because if I get the response that I give, I would be paying attention enough to rethink my behavior.

The problem is that most people aren’t like me and are more likely to take a yard if they have been given an inch.  It’s a sad commentary on our society that ambition on any level is cultivated and valued more than integrity and character.  In some cases I am simply observing behavior in order to quantify character.  At some point though, this just becomes an excuse for my own lack of character and integrity by not speaking up or no longer accepting unacceptable behavior.

While I can point to a number of reasons that I got to be this way, it has to end.  It starts with carting the turtle shell to the dump and really listening to and acknowledging the feelings inside me that are a myriad all of the time.  Lately, I have had a lot of time alone, something that I mostly enjoy.  However, yesterday I got in the car after working all day and I found myself very unhappy.  In sorting through the emotions, I found fear, disappointment, frustration and anger.  All over small things and this in what should have been considered a pretty good day.  A lot of it was just disappointment in my self over not getting some things done I needed to, but have internal things that hold me hostage.

By the time I returned from my errands, I had sorted through each feeling, their cause and possible strategy toward resolution.  Just allowing myself to feel and loving those tender feelings of sensitivity to prickly moments when I am feeling them is a huge step for me.  As I learn to deal with my own moments, it will allow me to open my mouth and speak my truth to others who aren’t acting becomingly toward me.  It is loving myself in the same way that I love others, fiercely defending my own honor because it is worthy of defending and also hearing my feelings, because they are worth their message. It is the only passage to transparency, even if it is a bit traumatizing.

Learning to bring my insides out in the open and become more congruent.

Kiki

Cute video reminds us that our insides don’t always match our outsides…a universal problem!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *